im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
