did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
