I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
