Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I could make wine with my vomit
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
