So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
