so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
