No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
