i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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