Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
