U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
