after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
