Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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