quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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