Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
