My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
