You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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