I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
