At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
