sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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