Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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