I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
