Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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