oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
