Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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