Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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