I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Come share oat with me in your robe
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