i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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