i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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