Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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