why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
