I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I stole a fireplace last night.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Randomize
