yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
