True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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