he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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