i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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