how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
