I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
