My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
