like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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