Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
