i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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