I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
