Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
