im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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