You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
