There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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