Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
