Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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