The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
