He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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