when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
